Skip Dinner

Dear Timmy,

 

Thank you for sending the $175 you owe me from camp. My mom and dad are a lot more pleasant at dinner now. Are your parents a lot nicer at dinner now? My dad stopped calling your dad an unfit parent and a deadbeat when were almost finished eating. I hope your dad is in better shape and more alive now.

For some reason I was grounded until you gave back the money, and I missed three episodes of “Rocket Love T-Rex” I feel like this is more your fault than it is mine, so I am asking that you write me a short synopsis of each episode. You do not have to include any dialogue between T-Rex and Little Crabbler, but I do ask that you include the life lesson as well as the joke at the end of each episode. If you can’t remember them all I suggest that you ask around school. I am sure a few of the other boys with more money and better memories than you remember them. I would do it myself but, again this is technically your fault.

As I said before I was grounded for some time, and one night I got caught sneaking out to go for a ride on my brand new 10-speed. Needless to say my dad was not pleased. He sent me to my room with no dinner and told me to go to bed. I wasn’t very tired and was so bored I ended taking off all my cloths and doing that thing you showed me at camp for like 2 hours. After I got a few of the nice feelings to shiver out I immediately became bored and irritated. I started breaking everything in sight. You should have heard the noise my bookcase made as it snapped in half over my bed frame! It sounded like a really good bottle rocket going off.

So at this point my dad is like double mad at me and he comes storming up our long staircase to my room, only to see it in shambles. So now dad is like taking off his belt and I am all cowering and shaking in the corner. My mom runs up and grabs his arm which is really weird because dad has flames behind his eyes like when T-Rex gets in a fight with King Pincer. So dad shakes mom of his arm so hard that she ends up flying out of the room and rolling down our long staircase and is like screaming like a pterodactyl. So now dad is coming at me and his bald spot is all red like molten lava and I am all still cowering in the corner. I don’t think I really need to tell you what happened next do I!?

Once again this whole scenario is technically all your fault. I feel it is only fair that you do a few things for me. I know that poor people don’t have stairs in their houses, but I did notice that you have one concrete step leading up to your front door. What I am asking is that you, or your dad push your mother off that step no less than six times. After that she is no longer allowed to talk unless it’s when she is crying and on the phone when your dad is at work. I am also asking that you allow me to whip you with a belt sometime after school this week. It will have to be seven lashings, two of them with the metal buckle part.

After we are done with that I only ask that after reading this you do not eat dinner. If you are reading this after dinner please skip dinner the following night. Once all of these tasks are complete we can be friends again. Please do no try to talk to me beforehand. See you in school, and don’t forget to skip dinner!

 

Yours truly,

Crystal