Web Applications: The Internet’s Top Nine Biggest Losers

With all the news and gossip circulating today regarding politics and fun things on the internet, I think it’s time we take a deep breath and focus on what truly makes up the internet:

Millions and millions of dollars of capital thrown at some of the most ridiculously dumb web products that could ever be imagined.

I humbly present:

Web Applications: The Internet’s Top Nine Biggest Losers

9. MOLI

Moli is a social network just like Myspace or Facebook, except this one lets you keep your public and private lives separate. This was a novel idea in 1994 until their idea was rudely ripped from their hands last Thursday by an innovative new feature on Myspace.

Facebook is expected to release privacy features of their own in the coming financial quarter, but this does not discourage the venture capitalists behind Moli, who just granted these losers an additional 30 mililon dollars.

The thing that sets Moli apart from the rest, however, is that a user actually creates multiple pages and profiles for different people to view.

Sound confusing? Hopefully their Full-length motion picture length video tour/explanation will clear things up for you.

 

 

8. Yourminis

From the makers of a small handful of “viral” flash widgets that were never shared by anyone, ever in the history of these internets, comes Yourminis! Now you, the average Joe, can develop your own useless pieces of flash!

This exciting new technology now allows me to embed the RSS feed from my LiveJournal into a flash player that plays the acoustic song I recorded on my four track over the weekend for my girlfriend!

And now with the new Gigya Wildfire wrapper, I’m able to have my friends add it to their social network pages with only four or five clicks as well! Surely they will, right? Right guys?

I tried to embed the flash widget called “Roaches” that I found in the fun section of their site here on this page, but it didn’t stick to the page properly.

Fail.

 

7. Mapquest

There are two kinds of web applications.

a: The first kind of web application gets me lost in the middle of the night somewhere in God Only Knows, Nebraska while my 1992 Nissan Sentra blows its only spare tire some place in between a corn field and Alaska while on my way from Buffalo to Rochester, New York, and then there are

b: The web applications that do not do any of this.

 

 

6. Hotmail

You know what? I was going to say Hotmail sucks now that Gmail has come along, but I take it back.

There’s just something about crankin’ Matchbox 20 as I sag my JNCO jeans and head off to middle school with my visor upside-down on my spiky hair kept just long enough to get stuck in my hemp necklace at the most inappropriate times that just makes me want to check my fuckin’ Hotmail inbox! And it’s free! It’s the dawn of a new millennium, motherfuckers!

5. Snapvine and 4. SayNow

Different names, same dumb shit.

These flash widgets allow your friends to call a phone number that has no connection to your actual phone and leave you a voicemail.

Can you even fucking believe it?

The telephone was invented at least 100 years ago by Alexander Graham Bell, but that dude got it right. Dial a number on one phone, a second phone rings, and that person either answers the second phone or you leave them a message. So simple!

But these revolutionary new viral technologies reinvent the phone because apparently phones are dumb.

Now all you have to do is pick up the first phone, call a number, leave a message (because your friend cannot and will not answer), leave them some messages on their computer telling them you left them a voice message, hope they’ll listen to it, and then all your friend has to do is pick up their phone and repeat the process again!

3. Zwinky and 2. Meez

These two incredible web applications allow you to create a .gif avatar that kinda sorta looks like you!

In Zwinky, your avatar looks less like your actual self but you can talk to your friends, and Meez lets you make an avatar that looks way more like you but all you can do with it is paste it on your Myspace page.

Care to guess how these two losers make their millions? Why, by preying on younger losers, of course!

Both services have “cool” clothing and items that the avatars can wear and use, for the cost of pocket change.

But since this pocket change has accumulated to millions of dollars each, it seems that our friends at Zwinky and Meez have done some researching into the souls of insecure preteens.

Zwinky adds a bit more money to the pot with Spyware, though.

Deplorable.

1. Facebook

 

These open-social haters have one thing going for them in the form of their proprietary markup language FBML (Facebook Markup Language).

I, Bryan Woods would like to hereby announce my own proprietary markup language called BWML. Essentially, the scripts are resoundingly similar to FBML (and php of course), except my proprietary technology blocks out this message:

Apparently the slackers at Facebook have never had a Venture Capitalist send them a friend request only to find this embarrassing confirmation step.

If this invite message was an employee it would be fired unless it was some kind of hot chick.

Facebook is not some kind of hot chick. It’s a dumb bro dude with an identity crisis.

Feel free to leave me any and all comments on this blog while I wade through my 184 friend invites to play games of poker and vote on my favorite action heroes.

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